Busy Being Tara

Day 9 (July 1)

I think I’m starting to build a tolerance to the ketamine. It seems like the effects don’t last as long as they did when I first started treatment. Lately, the most noticeable part of the experience only lasts about 45 minutes on average before I begin feeling more grounded and aware of my surroundings again. It’ll be interesting to see if that continues over the next few sessions or if it’s just a temporary change.

This treatment felt different from the others. I didn’t really see anything or experience many of the sensations I’ve had in previous sessions. It felt much quieter overall, and for most of the session, I was just there. Part of me can’t help but wonder if that means the treatment isn’t working, even though I know every session can be different. I’m trying to remind myself that healing isn’t always dramatic or obvious, and that the benefits may still be happening even if I don’t feel them in the moment. Still, it’s hard not to question it when the experience feels so uneventful.

Day 10 (July 7)

The last few days have been strange because I haven’t really felt depressed. That should feel like a good thing, but honestly, it’s uncomfortable. It almost feels like a part of me is missing, and I’m still trying to figure out what life feels like without that constant weight.

My therapist suggested that I go into my ketamine treatments with an intention, so I decided to give it a try. My intention for this session was simple: don’t worry about things beyond my control. I don’t know if having an intention changed the experience, but this treatment didn’t feel good. The “high” lasted only about 15–20 minutes, leaving me feeling off and uncomfortable for the remainder of the two-hour session.

I’m now down to one treatment per week, with just two sessions left before I reach the point where most people know whether ketamine is truly working for them. I’m hopeful, but also curious to see what the next couple of weeks bring.