Busy Being Tara

Today’s treatment was in a different room, and I think I actually like it better. There are no windows, so it’s a little darker than the room I’ve been in before. It felt calmer and cozier, and I think the lack of outside distractions helped me settle in more easily. I meant to take a photo of the setup to share, but I completely forgot.

The treatment itself was pretty much the usual routine: me in the recliner, getting comfortable, and listening to a new ketamine playlist I found on Spotify. Music continues to be a huge part of my experience and seems to shape much of what I feel during the session.

One thing I’ve noticed is that I don’t really hallucinate. Instead, I feel my emotions moving through my body. It’s hard to explain, but that’s the best way I can describe it. During today’s treatment, I remember moving with the music. At one point, it felt like my body was expanding with the room, as if I were taking up more space. My mind felt like it was stretching from side to side, and everything seemed more open and less confined.

The biggest thing I remember feeling at first was relief. Not from any specific thought or realization, just a sense of release, like my mind had a little more room to breathe for a while. There weren’t any major breakthroughs or profound insights, but for a short time, everything felt peaceful and calm.

The doses seemed to hit harder than usual, but the effects didn’t seem to last as long. I felt fully immersed in the experience for only about 45 minutes. After that, the rest of the session felt very different. The relief faded, and I was left feeling anxious, depressed, and restless.

There weren’t any particular thoughts, memories, or worries driving those feelings. Instead, they seemed to exist on their own, moving through my body without a clear source. Rather than thinking my way into those emotions, I was simply experiencing them. They lingered throughout the rest of the evening, leaving me feeling unsettled and emotionally heavy. It was a strange contrast, starting the session with a sense of expansion, openness, and relief, only to end it feeling weighed down by emotions I couldn’t quite explain.