Busy Being Tara

Tomorrow is my first ketamine treatment. I’ve lived with depression and anxiety for a long time. They’ve been constant companions through different seasons of my life, sometimes quieter, sometimes louder, but always there in the background. I’ve tried different approaches, learned coping skills, gone to therapy, and done the work that people are supposed to do when they’re struggling.

At some point, someone mentioned Ketamine, and then it was all I could think about. After speaking with my providers and going through the screening process, I was relieved to learn that I met the requirements for treatment and that my insurance would cover it. That alone felt like a small victory.

Tonight, the night before my first treatment, I’m surprised by how I feel. I wouldn’t describe it as excitement exactly. It’s more like curiosity. Maybe even cautious curiosity.

The best way I can describe it is that feeling you get right before a movie starts. The previews are finally over, the lights are dimming, and you’re waiting to see how the story unfolds. You question yourself, “Is this movie going to be worth it?” You know something is about to happen, but you don’t know what. You’re invested, hopeful, and maybe a little nervous about where things are headed. That’s where I am right now.

I don’t feel overwhelmingly anxious. I don’t feel euphoric. I feel indifferent in a strange way. Like I’ve reached a point where I’ve done all the preparation I can do, and now it’s time to simply experience whatever comes next.

Of course, there is some fear. Not fear of the treatment itself, but fear that it won’t work. When you’ve struggled with depression for a long time, hope can become complicated. Every new treatment carries the possibility of relief, but it also carries the possibility of disappointment. Part of me is trying not to get my hopes up too high while another part quietly wonders, What if this actually helps?

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe I’ll notice changes right away. Maybe it will take several sessions. Maybe the experience will be profound, or maybe it will be subtle. Right now, I simply don’t know.

What I do know is that I’ve decided to take this step, and that feels important. For tonight, I’m sitting with curiosity, a little fear, a little hope, and the understanding that tomorrow begins a new chapter in my mental health journey.

We’ll see where the story goes.

Ketamine treatment is often prescribed for people experiencing:
* Treatment-resistant depression
* Major depressive disorder
* Suicidal thoughts
* Generalized anxiety
* Social anxiety
* PTSD
* Chronic stress
* Certain chronic pain conditions

Many side effects are temporary and occur during treatment or within a few hours afterward:
* Dizziness
* Drowsiness or fatigue
* Nausea
* Headache
* Blurred vision
* Increased blood pressure
* Increased heart rate
* Feeling detached from your body (dissociation)
* Altered perception of time
* Dreamlike sensations
* Changes in visual or auditory perception
* Emotional release or heightened emotions
* Difficulty concentrating for several hours

Less Common Side Effects:
* Anxiety during the session
* Confusion
* Vomiting
* Temporary agitation
* Feeling emotionally sensitive afterward
* Fatigue lasting into the next day

One thing many people report is that the treatment itself can feel unusual, but not necessarily unpleasant. Experiences vary widely: some people have vivid internal experiences, while others simply feel relaxed or detached.